Orgasmatron Delivers Instant Orgasms at the Touch of a Button

While many misguided designers think that creating gadgets for women involves merely making a phone pink or giving it a makeup mirror, Suart Meloy knows what ladies are really looking for: orgasms at the push of a button. And that's just what his Orgasmatron does.

The Orgasmatron, which is currently awaiting approval by the FDA for the treatment of "female orgasm dysfunction," is a box about the size of an Altoids tin (although he's working on shrinking it to the size of a couple sticks of gum) that has two thin wires that attach to the nerves in your spine responsible for sexual pleasure. You then hit a button on the remote and hocus pocus, you get yourself one 100% real orgasm. How's it feel?

Women who have used the device say they feel as if their clitoris and vagina are actually being stimulated, to quite realistic effect. ("One woman asked me, 'Would it be considered adultery if I gave the remote control to someone other than my husband?' " Meloy says.)

Some volunteers also report fleeting episodes of clenched foot muscles, Meloy says, probably a result of electrical pulses leaving the spine and stimulating nearby motor nerves. (He wonders if the phenomenon might somehow be related to a common orgasm description: "My toes curled.")

And when the device's pulse intensity is cranked up to maximum, Meloy says, some women find their vaginal and rectal muscles squeezing rhythmically in time with the pulses, even before the orgasmic finale.

Sounds pretty awesome to me. But I know what you're thinking: "This is all well and good for ladies, Adam, but what about me, a man who needs no help achieving orgasm but is simply greedy and lazy?" Don't worry, friend; you won't be left out in the cold.

Meloy says he has also implanted two impotent men with the device. Both volunteers were able to achieve an erection, he says, and reportedly had powerful ejaculations.

Powerful! Looks like it's back to wearing garbage bags for pants for me.

Unfortunately for the orgasm-deprived, when the Orgasmatron comes to market in two or three years it'll probably cost about $12,000, which is gonna be tough to justify for most people. Personally, the traditional method has always worked just fine for me, but when it comes to the big O I can't judge anyone for going out of their way to guarantee results.